Substackery
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THE ROOF
Yesterday evening I repaired a hole in my roof. I had a broken tile and the builder I asked about it said he’d need to use a tower scaffold and come up the side of the house and it would take weeks and cost a bajillion squizillion pounds.
I said you can actually reach out and touch it from here.
He said yes but to replace the tile he would need a tower scaffold and a bajillion squizillion pounds please.
I said no.
So then I went on Amazon and I bought a tube of thick black horror goo that you use to repair holes in roofs and I filled the hole with it. That’s an understatement. I also bought a rope to tie myself to the fire escape ladder, a pair of those robot pincers you use if you can’t reach or grip things, some gaffer tape and a long stick. Then I taped a spreader to the long stick, squeezed goo on the spreader and ladled it into the hole, then smoothed it down.
So far the goo is looking good.
Actually it looks horrible, like a Venom suit is romancing my roof, but it’s a roof. No one can see it except pigeons and I do not care.
I also bought some roofing tape, which looks like something the Fantastic Four might wear if Luc Besson made a move about them. If necessary I can put the Venom suit into some Luc Besson high-fashion bondage gear.
Total cost: about forty quid.
NOT a bajillion squizillion pounds.
And then overnight it poured with rain and I sat in bed thinking: I have repaired a hole in my roof and now I am warm in bed and it is not leaking.
OTHER NEWS
In May 2023 I will have a new book out. The US edition will look like this:
