News I Made Up…

[photo: Foreign & Commonwealth Office under CC Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic]

Foreign Secretary David Miliband was rushed to hospital this morning with an ear complaint.

However, doctors later stated that the problem was ‘not serious’. Mr Miliband, who is widely touted as a possible future leader of the Labour Party, was taken ill at a crack of dawn meeting. He was transferred to hospital only as a precaution, sources at the Foreign Office said.

One medical professional was more forthcoming.

“Mr Miliband had both fingers jammed in his ears and would not remove them,” the consultant told this reporter. “He was also singing like a very angry child, you know: ‘Wala lalal lalala, boingy woingy tribbletoingy…’ It was quite unsettling at first, but then we realised that it was voluntary. Apparently the Binyam Mohamed judgment comes out today and he doesn’t want to hear it because it could be hugely damaging and embarrassing for him, Jack Straw, Tony Blair, and even that fellow who has Blair’s job now.”

This news outlet will be following Mr Miliband’s health closely throughout the day.

News I Did Not Entirely Make Up.

The Foreign Secretary, David Miliband, announced a controversial new initiative today in relation to the alleged complicity in torture of British officials and politicians. The scheme, provisionally labelled the Gravity/Amusement Jettisoning Project, will attempt to persuade the judiciary and the general public not to ask further awkward questions.

“In essence, it’s very simple,” a spokesman said, “unless people like Mr Mohamed will now just be satisfied with having crimes under the law committed against them and having the government refuse to acknowledge it, the government will have no choice but to throw all its toys out of the pram. No choice at all! NONE! WAAAAAAAAH!”

Asked to comment on Labour’s increasingly desperate attacks on the judiciary over this matter, the spokesman repeatedly demanded a biscuit and vomited on the correspondent from Channel 4 News.

The case of Binyam Mohamed has been extremely embarrassing for the government, as it has increasingly seemed likely that the evidence the government seeks to suppress may lead directly or indirectly to prosecutions for complicity in torture, or at the very least to serious embarrassment for still-serving members of the government and others now working elsewhere. In an earlier judgment, the judges said that: “the relationship of the UK Government to the US authorities in connection with Binyam Mohamed was far beyond that of a bystander or witness to the alleged wrongdoing”.

“None of that is remotely important,” the spokesman said, “because this government will scream and wee on things until you stop listening to the nasty wiggy men who are bad and naughty and mean.”

Later, ministers staged a brief competition to see who could throw a small pink dinosaur the furthest. The winner was Jack Straw, although informed insiders say that former Prime Minister Tony Blair would have been able to beat Mr Straw’s throw by some considerable margin.

“WaaaaAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA!” the spokesman concluded, “We’re NOT complicit in torture, wah wah, and even if we did break Article 4 of the Convention Against Torture we won’t play! Stop asky nasty questions! DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT NO MORE!!! WAH WAH WAH.”

The judges in the case were not available for comment, but it is believed they find the whole performance utterly fatuous.

The initiative continues.

A few weeks ago I tweeted grouchily that this government appears to me to have an absolute contempt for the law and the truth. Let me explain.

1. Torture

At the time, I was thinking about David Miliband‘s shameless (and on-going) attempt to prevent public access to information on the UK’s complicity in torture. Incidentally, one reason for Mr Miliband’s desperation and fury could be that members and former members of this government might be vulnerable to criminal charges [1,2,3].

(If you’re thinking that if torture were to save lives, it might be okay, may I – before I say “torture is simply wrong” – refer you to How To Break A Terrorist. And then may I point out the results of a recent high-profile torture interrogation? I’m referring to the Iraq War, one of whose principal justifications was derived from information from the torture of Ibn al Sheikh al-Libi. Sadly, we can’t ask for clarification, because he later died in prison.

Torture is a very bad way of getting good information.

It’s also just wrong.)

2. Health

I’m writing this blog post today because I think Alan Johnson has frankly demonstrated that he is unsuited to a post in government and should resign. In case you haven’t read so much as a lolly stick for the last few days…

David Nutt was head of the government’s Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs. He believes that government drugs policy should be built on science. He said so. He has been sacked. The other members of the council are appalled and may resign in sympathy. The rest of the scientific community is in uproar.

Alan Johnson’s response? He’s putting the ACMD to fire and sword. Rather than hear the truth on a difficult issue, he is actively assailing the mechanism by which it can be delivered to him. That is not responsible government. It does not approach the kind of wisdom and integrity I want to see in someone who aspires to high office.

It is pathetic.

3. Environment

Yes, yes, I know. Some of you are convinced that global climate change is a big lie. That is absolutely beside the point. The government’s policy is that climate change is real. And yet it is also quietly screwing up treaties which are needed to prevent it.

4. War

Remember the Dodgy Dossier? The 45 minute claim? Remember how we went to war to get Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction? So where are they? Fallen down the crack in some vast secret sofa in the desert?

5. Civil Liberties.

Remember Jack Straw’s letter on civil liberties? I took issue with it at the time. It’s no less nonsensical to me now. This government has eroded and diminished our civil liberties while trumpeting its commitment to them.

This stuff goes on and on. Every day brings some new instance of it.

That was what I meant when I said this government seemed to be demonstrating contempt for the law and the truth.

I’m not saying the next one will be better. I sincerely doubt that it will be. I voted for this government, albeit not recently.

And yet now I feel increasingly that it is a disgrace.

I hope that’s clear.