News I Made Up
All of which is *entirely untrue*.
All of it.
No, really.
Clarence House, London
The heir to the throne and his wife, the Duchess of Cornwall, have vowed to continue their arduous round of Christmas social engagements in the face of the vicious assassination attempt made upon them last week. “We won’t be cowed,” the Prince said, speaking from behind sixty three marksmen from the Royal Marine Commando unit and a sheet of Lexan, “Despite the shocking and terrifying events of last week, during which we were jostled at least once and shouted at by angry middle class children while surrounded by an armed protection detail who for some extraordinary reason elected not to execute the miserable ingrates on the spot for treason – I mean, they wouldn’t have hesitated if it had been a Brazilian plumber, would they? – we are going to carry on going to the theatre in a huge swanky black automobile. It’s what we do, and we won’t be prevented even if we are beheaded, the way that oik said we should be, and why haven’t I got his scrotum tanned and stitched for use a purse, eh, that’s what I want to know, where’s my bloody equerry?”
Other world figures have endured marginally more concerted assassination attempts in recent years. Pervez Musharraf, for example, can barely walk to the bathroom without something exploding. Mr Musharraf could not be reached for comment, but an aide said: “Mr Musharraf has just dodged an exploding grapefruit at the breakfast buffet and the phone line is not good. He says to say ‘hi’ to Great Britain, but he is very cross because he was a huge fan of Cher Lloyd. We all were here. She can totally come and rap any time, especially in those leggings from Arrogant Cat. Hmmhmm, yes, indeed.”
Meanwhile, the Prime Minister David Cameron is said to be considering sterner measures against public unrest. “The first step, obviously, is water cannons,” a spokeswoman said, “but the Prime Minister is not convinced they’ll be enough. He’s speaking to Liam Fox about the possibility of deploying Trident. This kind of civic disobedience can’t be allowed. If we have to immolate London to make this country free and rich, like America, then that’s what we’ll damn well do. That’s the new Conservative Atlanticism in a nutshell. Cut it, tax it, nuke it. But don’t tell Nick Clegg, he hasn’t figured it out yet.”