Amid the Blither and Trump

23/04/10

Amid the blither and trump of last night’s debate, something interesting got said…

[Image: David Spender under CC Attribution 2.0 Generic]

It was fine political theatre. Plucky young Clegg between the rock of Gordon Brown’s tedious minutiae and ponderously rehearsed spontaneous quips and the hard place of David Cameron’s entitled anger, both at Brown’s perceived mendacity and Clegg’s effrontery in derailing the Tories’ smooth run to number 10. For what it’s worth, I thought they all did well, though Clegg waffled a little on immigration – and the Sun poll apparently punished him for not going with the straightforward ‘send ‘em back’ – Brown seemed determined to re-interpret everyone’s questions so that he could pontificate, and Cameron allowed himself to slip into the warm waters of nasty from time to time.

But a real difference did emerge, and I haven’t seen it much mentioned today, so I thought I’d point it up: when the wildcard ‘Pope’ question came up, Gordon Brown and David Cameron both referred to their own faith. Clegg did not. He said, baldly, that he wasn’t religious. “I’m not a person of faith,” I think was the exact line. His wife’s a Catholic, his children are being raised “in her faith”. In other words, he accepts the importance of belief for others, but has none himself.

I can only feel a degree of relief. I respect faith. Many of my friends possess it in some measure. I really don’t. I have occasional moments of appreciation for the Universe in which I give a sort of random thank you to anyone who was responsible, but in general – even in the occasional foxhole – my faith is MIA. Never seen it, never had it, always slightly envied and at the same time been alarmed by those who do.

In politics, though, faith scares the bejeesus out of me. Faith propelled George W (check out his mate Boykin, too) and anchors Sarah Palin in whatever freakish reality she calls home. Tony Blair’s faith facilitated his decision to go to war in Iraq, because God was his judge and not the electorate. Faith among rulers has a special flavour. Power brings its own psychological problems; the scale of decisions we ask our leaders to make and the inevitable disconnection from others which they suffer sends them rapidly off the deep end. Even good people can become warped. Villains, perhaps, last longer, because self-interest is a clearer path than idealism.

But faith can – not always, but sometimes – add a particularly messy icing to the cake of cockup. To err is human, to forgive divine, to persist is diabolical. In the human political realm, faith lends persistence to errors: God guides me. I am in His keeping, and His people are in mine, and He would not allow me to go so far wrong. Tosh. God, if he’s watching at all, is quite content to allow the most ghastly events imaginable. Ego speaks in the heart, not God. Yes, go to war, it’s just, your perception is accurate, and you can say I said so. And there we are: it’s God’s work, so off we go.

Worse yet, the existence of the afterlife skews priorities on Earth. Deaths are less tragic if you believe in a better place afterwards. You probably won’t grieve less for someone you love, but you might feel less bad about sending a few hundred soldiers to their deaths – or a few hundred thousand of the enemy, but who’s counting? Let God sort them out.

And then there’s science. There’s always someone saying that science is intruding on God’s turf. Science, if we’re honest, is the business of becoming more and more like God. It’s about understanding and being able to alter the universe. It’s about learning to form matter and energy, shape biology, understand time, stone, and water. It’s about healing the sick and, yes, raising the dead. The medical definition of death has changed over the years, and is changing still. We’re pushing back what it means to be dead and retrieving people who a few decades ago would have been gone for good. A religious perception of the world requires that you consider the health of the soul as well as the body – so some treatments which might imperil that probably shouldn’t be on the NHS… and at the ultimate edge: what if you bring someone back from death and they then commit a terrible sin? Will they go to Hell rather than Heaven because you saved them from an appointment with judgement? And then it gets really messy around embryology, inevitably, and stem cells… Theologically sophisticated thinkers, of course, may have interesting answers to these questions. But politicians rarely seem to be theologically sophisticated. They tend to be soundbite believers.

Let’s not even talk about clashes between God’s law and Caesar’s, with the stink of priestly sex abuse in the air.

So Nick Clegg’s statement is not small beer. He may just have encapsulated the profound difference between him and Cameron and Brown. And as far as I can tell, no one cares. Or at least, no one cares yet.

Climate Change Caused By Gay Sex, Teen Fashion, Rock Music

13/01/10

News I Made Up

Rome, January 12th

New research sponsored by the Vatican has uncovered a startling link between the impending destruction of the human race in a global climate catastrophe and saucy bedroom antics. Homosexuals, in particular, the report concludes, raise the average global temperature by as much as half a degree per year.

“Climate change is real, and it is a threat to creation,” a Vatican spokesperson said today. “But this nonsense about its causes must stop. Yes, it is anthropogenic, but no, it’s nothing to do with oil! It’s all about having filthy hot boy-on-boy sex. Well, that and filthy hot girl-on-girl action, obviously. And those people who have non-procreative sex, they’re responsible as well.”

Father Josefus di Cantaloupé of the Vatican’s recently-formed Congregation for the Preservation of Science And Doctrinal Health, also had hard words for teenagers who wear too much make-up and listen to devil music.

“All this, with the heavy base, the boom-ba-baba-boomba,” Father Josefus said, “everyone knows that’s hot sex music for the carnal acts. It also damages the ozone layers and kills baby seals, part of what we like to call ‘telegenic megafauna’, which are of course the most important parts of God’s work. It’s your generation which will face the consequences of this devil music. So the best thing you can do to stop climate change is wear long, shapeless overalls and listen to Chris de Burgh instead.”

“The key issue here is stewardship,” Father Josefus said. “The Holy Mother Church is the steward of the global soul, the planet, and of everyone’s genitals. Jesus does not like it when you have bad, steamy, back-archingly orgasmic sex with a person of your own gender, because we are all one in the body of Christ. Homosexual behaviour makes God do gay things, and God is straight. His reaction – whether it’s rage, as in the Old Testament, or a sort of profound embarrassment and a desire to apologise immediately as in the modern Church of England teaching – makes the world hotter. It’s that simple.”

Scientists and theologians have responded cautiously to the report.

“It’s, uh, it’s not the sort of science I like to get too closely involved with,” said Mary Criddler of the Meterological and Climate Science Institute in Pendlesham, Ohio. “I haven’t seen the data, so I shouldn’t really comment, but… excuse me, no, I’m really not laughing I just have a cough today, can I call you right back?”

Cardinal Archbishop Tarkov from the Mitteleuropa Holy Angelic Communion queried the Biblical sources of the report. “The word of God says nothing about climate directly,” he said. “There are floods and disasters, but it never says ‘God will raise the temperature if you are bad.’ In fact, the pledge given to Noah would sort of seem to contradict that. Myself, also, I’m not sure it’s useful to talk about the Lord in the context of physical gender. I tend to think that that’s our limited perception of the universe trying to fit the infinite into a box made of flesh… Honestly, I think everyone at the Vatican is a bit surprised that Father Josefus has lasted this long. He was kicking around Rome with nothing to do, scaring the crap out of visiting Japanese tourists with some rather harsh stuff about Buddha, and they sort of gave him the job thinking he’d join our Heavenly Father before he could actually produce a report, but he’s hanging in there. He’s a tough old guy, and he did some really good stuff smuggling people out of Germany in the war when a lot of priests were just toeing the line with the Nazis. But honestly, I think he’s lost his clerical marbles here.”

God was not available for comment.