Stockholm, Sweden.

Startling revelations are emerging regarding the supposed nuclear weapons projects of two of the world’s most unpredictable nations, Iran and North Korea.

It appears that the much-touted Korean weapons project, which has recently provoked an international crisis, may in fact be a Swedish art-prank. And newly re-elected president Mahmoud Ahmedinejad of Iran has also confirmed that his nation’s suspected nuclear deterrent is in fact a giant salad-based joke.

“Ho, ho,” said the Tehran comedian, “we totally owned you guys! You were all the time thinking I was a complete maniac, but no! I am very funny man! I am totally down with the humourous side of oppression and dictatorship! Indeed, and I am here all week!”

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il also revealed a playful side of himself.

“This Swedish guy called and said: hey! Dude! Let us put the wind up the Americans! And I was all for that. It would have been funnier if Bush was still president, because that guy would entirely have invaded the shit out of us! But this is good, too.”

Barack Obama, reacting to the news, is said to be calling for a worldwide ban on weaponised carrots.

“I see a day,” President Obama said from the Whitehouse, “when we will no longer go in fear of crudités of any kind. When our children will walk without this shadow, and when proud, free people of one world will look back on the days of the Carrot Arms Race and say ‘how could they ever have been so foolish?’ However, this does not mean – and we should not imagine that it means – that we can relax for one moment, for one iota, jot, or tittle of time, our vigilance against the true menace which confronts us: the terrorist armed with a suitcase carrot!”

Swedish authorities reportedly said they did not see what was funny.

The Gone-Away World does not take place in the aftermath of a nuclear war.

Or a nuclear accident.

Or any kind of nuclear.

There are no nukes in the story.

Well, there is brief mention of growing up under the raw red eye of the Cold War and the Soviet Arsenal Of Ultimate Plasma Fire And Death Which They Will Launch At Any Moment.

But that’s it.

That’s because I find nuke stories dated. Nukes feel wrong to me for the kind of thing I want to write about. There may come a time when nukes are scary and cool and new again, but right now, for me, they’re just these old expensive pieces of hardware we sort of wish we didn’t have except that if North Korea’s gonna have ‘em and Russia’s gonna have ‘em and China and Israel (deniably) and Iran (not yet) and… actually, there was a song about this, called “Who’s Next?” by the magnificent Tom Lehrer. We’ll try to stay serene and calm when Alabama gets the bomb!