[London Taxi image by David Iliff under GNU Free Documentation License]

News I Made Up

London, December 8th

Sir John Scarlett, former head of the JIC and MI6, confirmed today that the controversial 45 Minute Claim in the so-called ‘dodgy dossier‘ was the product of long conversations in the back of a taxi. Sir John, whose knighthood was somewhat tarred by the debate over intelligence in the run up to the war, declined to identify the man in question, referring to him only as ‘Bill’.

‘Bill’ also supplied the following ancillary information, which has been the basis of policy discussions in the UK, US, and elsewhere ever since:

• “I don’t know about you, mate, but I think they’re all in it together. I mean those Muslims and the Irish – and the bloody French.”
• “They ought to just beat the shit out of anyone they think is in the terror business. Send them to bloody Morocco or whatever and cut their sodding balls off.”
• “Minarets is what you’ve got to watch out for. When they get the bloody minarets up, mate, Sharia law’s on the way.”
• “I reckon that Obama bloke isn’t really American.”
• “It’ll take, what, a couple of months? Into Bagdad, do the job we should have done last time, piss off home in time for tea and medals, ey?”
• “Global warming? Make it nice for the summer, won’t it? What’s everyone so worried about?”
• “Well, I mean, it’s up to you, isn’t it, but I wouldn’t give my kids the MMR vaccine.”

Sir John Chilcott, leading the Iraq Inquiry, cautioned Scarlett against revealing anything sensitive.