Trashtalking: Paul the Octopus

[image: Tilla, under GNU FDL]

From the files of News I Made Up.

Paul the psychic octopus, who predicted Spain’s victory in the World Cup, has responded with characteristic spirit to allegations by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad that he is a symbol of decay and decadence.

Paul, who communicates by selecting from a range of edible treats marked with possible answers created for him by his keepers at the Sea Life Centre in Oberhausen, briefly hovered over the food parcel which accepted Ahmadinejad’s criticisms of German handling of the banking crisis while respectfully proposing that the middle eastern demagogue should moderate his remarks in the interest of international dialogue. He then appeared to consider a flake of cod which contrasted his own role with that of Pope Benedict XVI and the Vatican’s response to recent sexual scandals, before settling on a small piece of monkfish labelled with the phrase “Dude, you are just the biggest ever jackass.”

A spokseperson for Guido Westerwelle, the German Foreign Minister, would not comment on suggestions that Paul’s position might affect delicate negotiations with Turkey this week. Ahmadinejad, meanwhile, has added Oberhausen to his list of Satans, the top two of which are still the US and Great Britain, but which now also includes France, Latvia, Yemen, Mexico, Ocado, Rick Astley, chewing gum, unshaven mice, urinals, and the Federated States of Micronesia.

[Image: NASA via Wikipedia]

Scientists say the world is entering a Negative Energy Zone of space, and many things may appear strange and alarming between now and May 6th.

Early signs of our arrival at GE Point 10 – the zone of space time in which matter and energy function differently – were observed earlier this month when Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrats, emerged ahead in polls after the first prime ministerial debate on British television.

A spokesman for the University of Wiltshire in Sussex, where a group has been studying the phenomenon, explained that the political arena is especially subject to the distortion effect of the GE Point, because reality in politics is already very malleable. “Our suspicions were aroused when David Cameron began to portray himself as the candidate for change,” Dr Jason Folderol said. “I mean, the clue is in the name, isn’t it? ‘Conservatives’.”

Of recent days, however, the field has grown more marked. Airlines suffering from the effects of the ash cloud have rejected the idea that they should compensate consumers, but have proposed to seek a billion pound bailout from the taxpayer, and this morning, Mr Clegg was accused of a ‘Nazi slur’ by the Mail newspaper, an entity which has itself not had an entirely blameless history with regard to Nazism.

“The real kicker, though, the proof positive,” Dr Folderol said, “is this business of poor Nick Herbert going to Europe. That’s just the universe taking the piss.” Nick Herbert, the senior gay Tory front bencher, will be travelling to Warsaw to attend a gay pride march. “David Cameron’s allies in Europe have been described as anti-gay, Climate Change deniers. Sending a gay environment secretary to talk them out of the trees? I think under normal circumstances that would be regarded as bizarre.” Dr Folderol said. “But in GE Point 10 terms, it’s rational. We’re waiting for someone to appoint Richard Dawkins as religious envoy or ask Gemma Atkinson to be our goodwill ambassador to Kabul.”

And that’s all from News I Made Up for the moment. In real news: someone burgled Liam Fox.

[London Taxi image by David Iliff under GNU Free Documentation License]

News I Made Up

London, December 8th

Sir John Scarlett, former head of the JIC and MI6, confirmed today that the controversial 45 Minute Claim in the so-called ‘dodgy dossier‘ was the product of long conversations in the back of a taxi. Sir John, whose knighthood was somewhat tarred by the debate over intelligence in the run up to the war, declined to identify the man in question, referring to him only as ‘Bill’.

‘Bill’ also supplied the following ancillary information, which has been the basis of policy discussions in the UK, US, and elsewhere ever since:

• “I don’t know about you, mate, but I think they’re all in it together. I mean those Muslims and the Irish – and the bloody French.”
• “They ought to just beat the shit out of anyone they think is in the terror business. Send them to bloody Morocco or whatever and cut their sodding balls off.”
• “Minarets is what you’ve got to watch out for. When they get the bloody minarets up, mate, Sharia law’s on the way.”
• “I reckon that Obama bloke isn’t really American.”
• “It’ll take, what, a couple of months? Into Bagdad, do the job we should have done last time, piss off home in time for tea and medals, ey?”
• “Global warming? Make it nice for the summer, won’t it? What’s everyone so worried about?”
• “Well, I mean, it’s up to you, isn’t it, but I wouldn’t give my kids the MMR vaccine.”

Sir John Chilcott, leading the Iraq Inquiry, cautioned Scarlett against revealing anything sensitive.