In which your intrepid correspondent visits the land of Nexus S.

Some people talk about Android as being an iOS killer. I can only assume they are on heavy medication. Or Mars.

Let’s start at the beginning.

I got the Nexus S as a free upgrade to my work phone. (I can’t have multiple landlines in my house because when the house was last wired for telephony, Nixon was in power in the US and Britain was the land of Patrick Macnee. The giant gerbil turbines which generate electrical power for Harkaway Towers take up too much space in the cellar to allow for extra copper cables, and my internet connection is actually a special pneumatic-to-fiber-optic interface designed for me by John Percival Hackworth.) I was deeply divided about whether to bother with this, because unlike Stephen Fry, I do feel there is a physical and psychological limit to the number of gadgets I need at any one time. This limit is very high, but an additional smartphone which will communicate only fairly well with the rest of my gear is it.

However.

People talk about Android as a contender.

They speak of the Android Market in hushed tones as the free-spirited equivalent to Apple’s bowdlerised App Store. And it’s true, to a point: the App Store is somewhat shackled by Jobs’ no porn promise, with the weird result that many apps feature violence but no sex, and that downloading a 3rd party browser entails accepting a warning that there may be adult stuffz one them interweb thingies.

Yes, dude, we know.

Anyway, given that, and the forthcoming Android/Amazon tablets, I figured I should get to know Android a bit, and since it was free – except for my time – I should just go ahead and do it. (I usually use a Samsung Extreme with this account. It has an endless battery and can be mistreated in ways I have not yet thought of. It can be dropped, immersed, and will probably protect you from stabbings. It is a very, very boring, very, very solid handset. I am missing it already.)

First experience: sitting in the Vodafone store.

God, I remember this – I used to do it all the time, before Apple came along and rescued me. It’s like a nightmare. Nasty, uncomfortable chairs, slightly weird ‘deals’ regarding minutes, bloke in ill-fitting shirt trying to be helpful while behind me someone yells at his colleague because they were promised X by the guy on the phone and now they’re being told Y and blah blah blah.

40 minutes of my life on a free upgrade, and I have to walk out with not only the Nexus S itself, but a free, low end Nokia for which I have no use, which will cease to be free in two months unless I opt out, but I have to take it to get the upgrade. What? People, seriously?

40. Of. Your. Earth. Minutes. Compare and contrast with: walk into Apple Store. Ask for model & colour. Pay. Leave. Total elapsed time: 8 minutes?

Second experience: the Android Market looks like WHAT?

What’s that you say, Lassie? Old Man Harkaway has given himself a near-fatal eyestrain trying to read the words on the screen?! Oh, noes!

Is it just me, or is that a design which looks really nice on, er, a 27 inch desktop screen rather than a smartphone? Oh, wait, maybe this is the wrong Android Market? Or the wrong… I have no idea.

Third experience: “no Nexus S is associated with that account”

I was tempted to call this section “Appless in Seattle”, but not many people would get that joke any more, what with me being old and stuff, and also: I’m not in Seattle. So.

Downloading an app. From the Market. The thing which will, essentially, define whether or not the phone (which has a nice, clear speaker and decent reception, by the way) can blow the iPhone away with its massive Googleness.

Not like this, it won’t: no Nexus S is associated with that account. Dude, I am here, on a Nexus S, which has my googlemail account set up on it, and I cannot get so much as a Kindle free app…

Oh, I know: I’ll just Google the answer!

Fourth Experience: Nexus S on the go

“Download cancelled: cannot make a secure connection to the Market”.

Dude. I will tear you a new speakerhole. I really will. My old phone can be dropped onto concrete from my own headheight and it bounces back and calls me a weakling. Can you take that kind of pressure, you monstrous glossy plastic Windows-resembling snarky user-unfriendly bastard?

….

More news as and when we have it…

But my first reaction: this is not an iPhone Killer. It’s not even an iPhone Worrier. The prime directive of Google has been broken here: the Nexus S and its infrastructure do not make information easier to access. They do not improve the user experience. The soft aspects of the design are ghastly. I will, I suspect, get to the point of enjoying this phone’s features. But I am part author, part geek, and I love fiddling with tech at a non-scary level. Although I’ve been putting off configuring my wireless IR webcam for my daughter’s nursery because it’s clunky to set up. For the rest of the world, Android as it stands is not a serious competitor for Apple’s integrated media experience crown. It’s too much like hard work.

Background you may choose to skip over:

So, everyone knows by now that O2 are being somewhat obstructive about upgrading to the new iPhone – by which I mean that instead of doing what they did last time Apple released a new phone, they’re demanding that customers pay their way out of an existing contract, pay a couple of hundred quid for the handset, and sign up to a new contract.

Well, okay. The first thing which came to my mind was that I’d been talking about how we all have unrealistic expectations regarding price. Was I being daffy again?

Well, yes and no. O2 are making users pay for the old handset – which is, of course, heavily subsidised – before getting a new handset at a subsidised price. It looks as if the business models Apple and O2 are using are not entirely compatible…

This is the first hole in Apple’s amazingly dominant entry into mobile phones: a bottleneck. If there’s a competing product out there worth anything at all, this is the moment for it to find a foothold. At the same time, O2 re in danger of losing their exclusive grip on the iPhone, at which point they’ll be at a stark disadvantage if they don’t play a little nicer with their customers, even if that costs them money. Is that Apple’s way of dealing with the culture clash of new-shiny vs. mobile telephone costs? Pretty hard-core, if so: use O2 to make a splash, then shed them when they become burdensome.

Why do I care?

Because the iPhone GS has a video camera, and that video camera is for a lot more than shooting clips of your own feet when you’re pissed. The GS has brought Augmented Reality to life.

And that’s just the beginning – there’s a Twitter app in the works which shows you where people are as you move around with the camera, and there’ll be more. Basically, AR apps make the internet’s invisible overlay visible. Standing outside a restaurant? You can look at it and see what people have to say – or even what they’re saying on Twitter about it even now. AR knits the digital world back into the real one, and makes the two work together. Everything becomes a spime. The whole world becomes a Nabaztag. (Well, not exactly, but you see what I mean.) There’ll be more and more of it as people become more inventive.

And this is what Apple – and O2 iPhone users – potentially miss being part of during its formative moments. If the phone isn’t out there because of O2′s decision, there’s the possibility of a genuine iPhone killer – a term I usually snort at. It’s a very narrow window, but it’s there.

Oh, dear…

From: Nick Harkaway

To: Jason Fields @ iPhone Plastic Shield Things Co. Ltd.

Hi, Jason,

Having some trouble with the shield for my phone. I can get it all lined up and so on, but I can’t get the last of the sticky label off the shield without using white spirit, which compromises how well the plastic sticks to the screen.

Help!

 

From: Jason Fields

To: Nick Harkaway

Nick - 

that’s bad! You say the adhesive is sticking to the shield itself? Weird. We use one which shouldn’t do that at all. I’ll check with quality control and see if we’ve let a bad batch slip through. In the mean time, pick up some more at your local shop, and have a go with those – we’ll refund you.

 

To: Jason Fields

From: Nick Harkaway

Jason - 

Okay, I’ve got some new shields, but I’m having the same problem. I peel the protector off the shield, use the stiff plastic thingy to smooth the shield onto the phone, get rid of all the bubbles, but then I cannot for the life of me get the damn other bit off without leaving horrible goo behind.

Any news on the bad batch situation?

 

From: Jason Fields

To: Nick Harkaway

Nick - 

I know you’re going to be annoyed, but I have to ask; is it possible you’re not peeling the protector sticker properly when you’ve got the shield stuck to the phone?

 

From: Nick Harkaway

To: Jason Fields

Jason - 

You’re right. I’m annoyed. I’m not an idiot.

 

From: Jason Fields

To: Nick Harkaway

Nick - 

I know. Sorry. Had to ask. So I’ve got the quality control guys sorting through the files now. Back to you later today. Apologies again.

 

To: Jason Fields

From: Nick Harkaway

Jason - 

While we’re on the topic, can I ask why the shield is so flimsy? It’s really hard to place correctly.

 

From: Jason Fields

To: Nick Harkaway

Nick - 

Ah. I’ve looked again at your earlier email, and I see the problem. You mentioned the stiff plastic we include to help you put the shield in place? Soooo… that’s the shield. What you’ve been trying to do is site the first layer of disposable plastic packaging on your phone and remove the sticker-tab we attach to it with very powerful glue. That tab is only there so you can peel the packaging off. What you need to do is site the stiff thing on the phone and then grab the other tag and pull gently, which should remove another identical thin layer of plastic and leave your shield in place on the iPhone.

Let me know how that goes for you.

 

From: Nick Harkaway

To: Jason Fields

Jason - 

I am the single stupidest human being on the face of this green Earth. Please send your minions to my house with lasers to cut open my head and install the brain from your digital watch, which is smarter than I am.

 

From: Jason Fields

To: Nick Harkaway

Nick - 

please don’t worry. It actually happens a lot; the first generation of diagrams we used is slightly rubbish. Next month we’re putting out the new set, and they’re much better.

 

From: Nick Harkaway

To: Jason Fields

Jason - 

you’re making that up to make me feel better, aren’t you?

By the way, can I blog this if I anonymise the conversation?

 

From: Jason Fields

To: Nick Harkaway

Nick - 

you caught me :)

Yes, and yes, by all means.

Best,

Jason.

______

[Yes. I got pwn3d by a plastic sticker.

Oh, sure, like it's never happened to you...]