Amid the Blither and Trump

23/04/10

Amid the blither and trump of last night’s debate, something interesting got said…

[Image: David Spender under CC Attribution 2.0 Generic]

It was fine political theatre. Plucky young Clegg between the rock of Gordon Brown’s tedious minutiae and ponderously rehearsed spontaneous quips and the hard place of David Cameron’s entitled anger, both at Brown’s perceived mendacity and Clegg’s effrontery in derailing the Tories’ smooth run to number 10. For what it’s worth, I thought they all did well, though Clegg waffled a little on immigration – and the Sun poll apparently punished him for not going with the straightforward ‘send ‘em back’ – Brown seemed determined to re-interpret everyone’s questions so that he could pontificate, and Cameron allowed himself to slip into the warm waters of nasty from time to time.

But a real difference did emerge, and I haven’t seen it much mentioned today, so I thought I’d point it up: when the wildcard ‘Pope’ question came up, Gordon Brown and David Cameron both referred to their own faith. Clegg did not. He said, baldly, that he wasn’t religious. “I’m not a person of faith,” I think was the exact line. His wife’s a Catholic, his children are being raised “in her faith”. In other words, he accepts the importance of belief for others, but has none himself.

I can only feel a degree of relief. I respect faith. Many of my friends possess it in some measure. I really don’t. I have occasional moments of appreciation for the Universe in which I give a sort of random thank you to anyone who was responsible, but in general – even in the occasional foxhole – my faith is MIA. Never seen it, never had it, always slightly envied and at the same time been alarmed by those who do.

In politics, though, faith scares the bejeesus out of me. Faith propelled George W (check out his mate Boykin, too) and anchors Sarah Palin in whatever freakish reality she calls home. Tony Blair’s faith facilitated his decision to go to war in Iraq, because God was his judge and not the electorate. Faith among rulers has a special flavour. Power brings its own psychological problems; the scale of decisions we ask our leaders to make and the inevitable disconnection from others which they suffer sends them rapidly off the deep end. Even good people can become warped. Villains, perhaps, last longer, because self-interest is a clearer path than idealism.

But faith can – not always, but sometimes – add a particularly messy icing to the cake of cockup. To err is human, to forgive divine, to persist is diabolical. In the human political realm, faith lends persistence to errors: God guides me. I am in His keeping, and His people are in mine, and He would not allow me to go so far wrong. Tosh. God, if he’s watching at all, is quite content to allow the most ghastly events imaginable. Ego speaks in the heart, not God. Yes, go to war, it’s just, your perception is accurate, and you can say I said so. And there we are: it’s God’s work, so off we go.

Worse yet, the existence of the afterlife skews priorities on Earth. Deaths are less tragic if you believe in a better place afterwards. You probably won’t grieve less for someone you love, but you might feel less bad about sending a few hundred soldiers to their deaths – or a few hundred thousand of the enemy, but who’s counting? Let God sort them out.

And then there’s science. There’s always someone saying that science is intruding on God’s turf. Science, if we’re honest, is the business of becoming more and more like God. It’s about understanding and being able to alter the universe. It’s about learning to form matter and energy, shape biology, understand time, stone, and water. It’s about healing the sick and, yes, raising the dead. The medical definition of death has changed over the years, and is changing still. We’re pushing back what it means to be dead and retrieving people who a few decades ago would have been gone for good. A religious perception of the world requires that you consider the health of the soul as well as the body – so some treatments which might imperil that probably shouldn’t be on the NHS… and at the ultimate edge: what if you bring someone back from death and they then commit a terrible sin? Will they go to Hell rather than Heaven because you saved them from an appointment with judgement? And then it gets really messy around embryology, inevitably, and stem cells… Theologically sophisticated thinkers, of course, may have interesting answers to these questions. But politicians rarely seem to be theologically sophisticated. They tend to be soundbite believers.

Let’s not even talk about clashes between God’s law and Caesar’s, with the stink of priestly sex abuse in the air.

So Nick Clegg’s statement is not small beer. He may just have encapsulated the profound difference between him and Cameron and Brown. And as far as I can tell, no one cares. Or at least, no one cares yet.

Election 2010 (Post I)

09/04/10

Yeah, sorry. I’m going to be talking about the election a bit, because, you know: REALLY IMPORTANT.

I’ll tell you from the outset: unless something stunning happens, I’m going to be voting for the Liberal Democrats. Why? Because Labour has gone down the plughole and the Conservative Party appears more and more disturbing with each passing day.

No, I do not consider the other parties genuine options.

I’ll examine the Labour plughole soon – though goodness knows, it can’t be hard to imagine what I’m going to say about the party of thousands of new laws, egregious human rights violations, the economic collapse, and the digital economy bill – but for today, a few words about Cameron’s Conservatives.

David Cameron has worked hard to be a Blair-figure for the Conservatives, and he’s made it look pretty good. The trouble is that the People’s Tory is eating fish and chips with his fingers in the gatehouse, but there are stirrings of the old ghouls in the spooky old mansion beyond…:

1. Cameron had to leave the European centre-right grouping and join a bunch of alarming rightwingers who are variously accused of red-toothed homophobia, Global Warming Denial, and racism. In the European Parliament, the Conservatives stand shoulder to shoulder with some very inappropriate allies. Homophobia, of course, dogs the party (Chris Grayling’s recent blunder was given a sort of pass because he’s far from the worst offender).

2. The other thing those EU allies don’t like is discussion of Climate Change. I’ve said before: the best available scientific advice on a matter of massive importance is that we need to act as if Climate Change is a significant threat. As far as I’m concerned the debate ends there, and we should move to implementation until and unless the scientific view changes. Anything else is bad governance. David Cameron knows this. Alas… his party MPs by and large think he’s wrong, and they’re not shy of saying so.

3. David Cameron is presently courting the Christian faith vote, US style. I’m not sure that’s a great idea, but it may work for him. He’s come out in favour of reducing the abortion limit from 24 to 20 weeks and he’s promising to protect faith schools; there’s also a struggle going on over the teaching of Creationism – Michael Gove (who wasn’t terribly keen on my book, by the way, but whose wife apparently loved it – so: Go, go Mrs Gove!) said that Creationism should not and would not be taught in UK schools… but at the same time, the Conservatives are tied up with figures like Bob Edmiston.

This is the problem; on the one hand you have a very polished front bench. And on the other, you have Christian Tories ‘rewriting party doctrine‘ and really remarkable statements floating around… like Gerald Warner‘s explanations of why Cameron must be defeated:

Warner called Cameron’s leadership of the British Conservative party a “pathetic footnote” in a larger, globalized political shift to the left. “What we see today is a near-universal Marxist programme divorced from the Marxist-Leninist economic precepts… [a massive shift to the left] “is being engineered globally by the United Nations, the European Union, countless humanist NGOs, financial interests and other dark forces on which it is difficult to shine light.”… For the modernization project to succeed, “a quarter of Conservative supporters must consciously and deliberately be driven away from the party because of their irredeemably Tory instincts.”

Irredeemably Tory instincts... Cameron knows exactly what he means, and it’s those irredeemables who scare the crap out of middle-of-the-road voters, and whom Cameron is desperately trying to keep on the fringes. But he can’t, because Warner’s also right – in a way, they’re the core of the Conservative Party, just as the barking mad lefties who believed in Stalin’s genius are at the heart of Labour and without them the party loses not only its vices but its virtues. (Incidentally, Warner’s attack on Frankfurt School socialism… wow. That is hardcore, dude. I did not expect to get hit with Marcuse and Adorno today.)

So here’s the thing…

David Cameron’s Britain comes in two flavours. There’s nu-Blair Dave himself, on his bike but with a limo coming along behind carrying luggage and bodyguards, and desperately trying to overcome a few hundred years of breeding and be a normal bloke. Hail the new boss, same as the old boss – except I’m not sure that he’s even as solid as Teflon Tony himself.

And then there’s a sort of Lovecraftian pit of 1980, a grasping, amorphous, tentacled nightmare of fantasised 1930s morality and morris dancers in which no one wears a hoodie because the vicar wouldn’t like it and teens learn about God and Country and the divine right of industry to despoil the planet, but not sex or human rights, and no one mentions the poofters.

And you don’t know which one you’re going to get.

Sod that.

Forish, Dave, and me.

19/01/10

Forish and Nick make politic, yes?

If you haven’t met Forish Karena, you won’t believe he exists. He’s like that. He comes across as about nine feet tall (he’s only around 6’8″) and roughly the same across the chest. He makes the Governator look like Minnie Mouse.

He’s a big guy, is what I’m saying.

He comes from one of those really rubbish islands in the North Sea which routinely get sold by advanced nations which are in debt. More than likely the whole place will belong to Croatia or Kenya by the time the recession’s over, but for the moment it’s a quasi-independent UK entity filled with ethnic Lap-Icelandic-Danish-Irish.

And for some godforesaken reason, some ethnic Indonesians who only speak French. It has to do with nutmeg or silk or something.

Anyway, Forish has exactly all the traits you would expect in a guy like that: he wrestles woolly mammoths, woos titanic women, chews diamonds, and drinks entire breweries dry. (Spot which two of these he actually does…)

For my sins, Forish decided that he’d come and crash out with me, and we ended up making David Cameron posters.

I’ll try to give you the dialogue which went with the creation of each one, but my memory is a bit hazy:

Forish: Harkaway, where is the butter?

Me: Why do you want to know?

Forish: There is cat in garden.

Me: You want to butter a cat?

Forish: Don’t be ass. Butter is for wolves.

Me: There’s a wolf in my garden? You brought a wolf?

Forish: No. I leave wolf in car.

Me: Oh, good.

Forish: Use butter to trap cat to feed wolf.

Me: Oh, dear…

*

Forish: Summer is a babe.

Me: I am sure that’s true.

Forish: She is almost babe like your wife.

Me: My wife is totally a babe.

Forish: I always wish…

Me: …Dude, don’t go there…

Forish: That she had sister.

Me: She does.

Forish: Really?

Me: Yes.

Forish: Will you -

Me: No.

Forish: Ass.

*

Forish: Seriously, Harkaway, you asses elect this guy?

Me: Kinda looks that way.

Forish: WTF, man? He came to arctic circle, posed on husky, he’s for ass.

Me: He’s telegenic and sincere-lookin’ and he’s not Gordon.

Forish: Don’t Gordon me. That guy is beyond my ass.

Me: I have no idea what you just said.

Forish: Where is my beer?

Me: I gave it to the wolf.

Forish: You have wolf?

*

Forish: Harkaway, seriously, what that maens? Old School Tie?

Me: It’s a joke about class.

Forish: He has class?

Me: That would depend on who you ask.

Forish: Is not bondage joke?

Me: God, I hope not.

Forish: We make good politic, yes?

*

There are more, and you can make your own, but I think that about takes care of that. Also, I still have a headache and a paranoid fear of garden wolves.