(Tech news I made up.)
Everyone’s favourite lifestyle computing creator, Apple, has shocked the tech world with its latest electronic device. Apple brought forward the launch of its latest offering today after tech website allegedly got sight of the product in advance of the launch later this month.
Sources had confidently predicted a tablet computer, priced between £300-£800, which would revolutionise content delivery for media such as newspapers, magazines, films and music. The putative iSlate was thought to be a larger version of Apple’s iconic iPhone, with an OLED screen making for low energy use, low glare, and high price.
However, Apple’s engineers have surprised the market with the iHat, a combination sombrero and computer styled after the headgear of Mexican bandits in early colour westerns.
The iHat, in stores from May, is the absolute pinnacle of wearable computing. Solar cells around the brim constantly recharge the battery. Built in headphones and voice recognition software make the device largely hands-free, and drop-down virtual reality glasses allow the user to be partly or entirely immersed in the images generated by the iHat’s Intel Core Duo processors, which – housed in the crown – are well away from the scalp.
The iHat also has lifelike text-to-speech, although this feature may not work with all media for legal reasons.
“I have no idea what to say,” one analyst said. “We were all ready to love the tablet, but this is soooo much more awesome! I mean, not only do I get all the capabilities of a smart phone/media player, but I look totally retrocool!”
The most extraordinary aspect of the iHat may well be the gesture-driven eyebrow control system. Users will have to get used to performing a variety of sweeps, waves, and quizzical expressions to activate some features.
“We’re very proud,” said an Apple spokesperson. “This takes us away from the conventional GUI and into a new, 3D/HUD approach we’re calling QUIRK. Traditional windows-based interfaces are over. Apple is taking everyone into the new century. ¡Vámonos!”
Microsoft has announced a range of business headgear, to be called CAPtives, to compete with the iHat. The CAPtives range resemble more conventional European and American hats such as baseball caps and bowlers which the company believes will appeal to more conservative users. The CAPtives do not use Apple’s patented eyebrow gesture interface, however, and must be removed for the user to select music and media.