News I Made Up

London, December 10th.

The student protests against tuition fees were revealed as a smoke screen for international terrorism last night, as a carefully planned assault on the heir to the throne and the Duchess of Cornwall unfolded within sight of the seat of government.

The Prince and Duchess were travelling in their official Rolls Royce, until recently the Queen’s car, when the violent and shocking assassination plot was activated. The car, which has its own air supply, laser turrets to attack satellites, and armour which can withstand a direct strike from a surface to surface missile, was struck with heavy blunt objects and pelted with paint.

“That’s the fiendish ingenuity of the plan,” a spokesperson from MI5′s Q-branch said, “the vehicle has never been tested against bits of fencepost and emulsion. We just didn’t consider that when we designed it. Although it can emit a low-frequence pulse which drives weasels into a state of sexual ecstasy. We were very worried about trained-weasel tactical ordnance. So that’s completely taken care of.”

Theresa May, the Home Secretary, placed London under martial law for three hours over night. Several people were killed by police marksmen, including a publican, two dogwalkers, and a web designer. All were carrying suspicious objects or were walking in a funny way.

“Paint-based terrorism is a new threat,” Ms May said, “but it’s one we will deal with robustly and effectively. We will not allow Rolls Royce automobiles driving through areas of huge social unrest to be besmirched in this way. I’ve set the wheels in motion for a full investigation. Up to a thousand suspects will be rounded up and held for twelve hours without access to toilets in Trafalgar Square. This approach is proven to reduce stress and lull criminals into a state of compliant bliss similar to a breast-fed baby. The name ‘kettling’ is ridiculous and is an example of lexicographical terrorism.”

No arrests have been made, but the Swedish government has requested the extradition of a vet, a particle physicist and a modern linguist on charges of bestiality.

…

Oh, fercrissakes…

I was having fun with this, and then I just ran out. Why? Because they were in the wrong car. They were in. the. wrong. car. They were in a car which actually wasn’t all that well-protected. It had toughened glass and that’s about it. I doubt they were ever in any actual danger, but there is no way they should have been in the situation in the first place. And then there’s that jackass who runs the Met talking about how kettling is an awesome way to deal with protests and I just want to shout at him. It isn’t. It’s just not. I’ve been kettled. I’ve also been horseback charged. The whole thing made me so angry I wanted to break things, and I’m about the most placid person in the known universe. I’m still angry about it now, this morning, and it happened over five years ago.

Anyway. Here’s what I think (because obviously, what the world’s been waiting for on this issue is the opinion of a novelist from Cornwall by way of NW3.)

This wasn’t inevitable. There were ways to avoid these cuts to education. They were adjudged to be even less palatable. We could have cut Trident. We could have decided that we didn’t need to spend so much on health, or on transport. Going back a bit further, the Blair and Brown governments could have been a bit more judicious about spending, and less enthusiastic about free market ideology. (I’m reading Ha-Joon Chang’s excellent 23 Things They Don’t Tell You About Capitalism, which is an accessible… ‘romp’ probably isn’t quite the right word, but it is playful… through the myths and misconceptions about markets. You should read it too.)

But within the confines of the other decisions which have been made about how we’ll spend the money we basically don’t have at the moment, education was always going to be a bad, bad scene, and people were always going to be angry about it. Education has been pimped as the must-have of success in life for three decades, and the promise of it has been held out to Brits by successive governments. Conservative politicians talked about how it must be available without tuition fees as late as 2005. Making access more difficult cuts to the heart of how we believe social mobility happens and how we believe you get on in the world.

More obviously, after days of riots, last night was always going to be riot central.

So taking Charles and Camilla through the middle of it in an elderly, non-secure Roller was the plan of an utter prat. It’s almost as asinine as imagining, after years and years and years of evidence to the contrary, that keeping a few thousand angry people in one place and refusing to let them use the loo, and then charging them on horseback, will calm the situation down. Kettling is not about pacification. It is about the limitation of property damage – or at least, the localisation of property damage.

It is the strategy of a total prat.

Much like setting things on fire and shouting “off with his head” at Prince Charles is not really a great way to change anything.

So this morning, while I have sympathy for anyone who has to stand eye to eye with a bunch of people they don’t trust and whom they believe intend them violent harm - in other words, for both sides as individuals – and while I would have been on the demo when I was a student and would believe it was my job to keep things contained if I was a copper…

I think this was a stupid bloody mess. And a deadlock, produced far, far up the line. Vince Cable made the point this morning that Labour were also preparing to follow a course like this before they lost the last election. The screw-up, assuming an unwillingness to compromise other core services or Trident, took place years ago.

So, great.

Screw it. I need some tea.