Scientists: World Entering Negative Energy Zone

22/04/10

Scientists say the world is entering a Negative Energy Zone of space, and many things may appear strange and alarming between now and May 6th.

Early signs of our arrival at GE Point 10 – the zone of space time in which matter and energy function differently – were observed earlier this month when Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrats, emerged ahead in polls after the first prime ministerial debate on British television.

A spokesman for the University of Wiltshire in Sussex, where a group has been studying the phenomenon, explained that the political arena is especially subject to the distortion effect of the GE Point, because reality in politics is already very malleable. “Our suspicions were aroused when David Cameron began to portray himself as the candidate for change,” Dr Jason Folderol said. “I mean, the clue is in the name, isn’t it? ‘Conservatives’.”

Of recent days, however, the field has grown more marked. Airlines suffering from the effects of the ash cloud have rejected the idea that they should compensate consumers, but have proposed to seek a billion pound bailout from the taxpayer, and this morning, Mr Clegg was accused of a ‘Nazi slur’ by the Mail newspaper, an entity which has itself not had an entirely blameless history with regard to Nazism.

“The real kicker, though, the proof positive,” Dr Folderol said, “is this business of poor Nick Herbert going to Europe. That’s just the universe taking the piss.” Nick Herbert, the senior gay Tory front bencher, will be travelling to Warsaw to attend a gay pride march. “David Cameron’s allies in Europe have been described as anti-gay, Climate Change deniers. Sending a gay environment secretary to talk them out of the trees? I think under normal circumstances that would be regarded as bizarre.” Dr Folderol said. “But in GE Point 10 terms, it’s rational. We’re waiting for someone to appoint Richard Dawkins as religious envoy or ask Gemma Atkinson to be our goodwill ambassador to Kabul.”

And that’s all from News I Made Up for the moment. In real news: someone burgled Liam Fox.

4 Comments to “Scientists: World Entering Negative Energy Zone”

Tweets that mention Scientists: World Entering Negative Energy Zone | Nick Harkaway -- Topsy.com said on April 22nd, 2010:

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Nick Harkaway. Nick Harkaway said: News I Made Up: http://bit.ly/c6tuCQ World Enters Negative Energy Zone [...]
Colin said on April 25th, 2010:

“the senior gay Tory front bencher”

You’re right. I mean, even those words don’t belong in the same sentence, not if the man has any pride.
Nick Harkaway said on April 25th, 2010:

That I’m not sure about. I tend to accept the argument about changing things from within as well as assailing them from without. But yes, it would seem bizarre, given the rather serious problems with homophobia the party has had and, bluntly, continues to have. I assume Herbert would say that his economic and social convictions are broadly more in line with Conservatism than any other party, and that he declines to be driven out of politics or forced into a grouping with whose policies he does not agree by prejudice among Tories. It’s admirable, if a bit forlorn.
Colin said on April 27th, 2010:

Yes, I agree with you that most times the best change comes from within. But this is Conservative party, who, by definition, don’t like change.

It’s an odd phenomenom – I, for one, would never guessed at the amount of “outed” Republic senators recently — and the GOP is far more bigoted that your Tories.

(In all the above, I’m speaking as a liberal gay man who is sadly, and unavoidably, attracted to right-wing men. It’s a curse.)