Mrs H and I have been on holiday.

It was awesome. And I now know how to say “where is the elephant?” in Thai. Also, I fired a real gun for the first time in my life. (I am confirmed in my opinion regarding firearms: they’re horrible. This feeling is somewhat complicated by the fact that I appear to be naturally rather good with a Smith & Wesson 9mm, and more than passable with a .45)

More anon.

That’s the full stop at the end of the first draft of the new book.

I feel…

Amazing.

Lots of work still to do. It’s not ready for anyone actually to read yet or anything. But still.

:)

News I Did Not Entirely Make Up.

The Foreign Secretary, David Miliband, announced a controversial new initiative today in relation to the alleged complicity in torture of British officials and politicians. The scheme, provisionally labelled the Gravity/Amusement Jettisoning Project, will attempt to persuade the judiciary and the general public not to ask further awkward questions.

“In essence, it’s very simple,” a spokesman said, “unless people like Mr Mohamed will now just be satisfied with having crimes under the law committed against them and having the government refuse to acknowledge it, the government will have no choice but to throw all its toys out of the pram. No choice at all! NONE! WAAAAAAAAH!”

Asked to comment on Labour’s increasingly desperate attacks on the judiciary over this matter, the spokesman repeatedly demanded a biscuit and vomited on the correspondent from Channel 4 News.

The case of Binyam Mohamed has been extremely embarrassing for the government, as it has increasingly seemed likely that the evidence the government seeks to suppress may lead directly or indirectly to prosecutions for complicity in torture, or at the very least to serious embarrassment for still-serving members of the government and others now working elsewhere. In an earlier judgment, the judges said that: “the relationship of the UK Government to the US authorities in connection with Binyam Mohamed was far beyond that of a bystander or witness to the alleged wrongdoing”.

“None of that is remotely important,” the spokesman said, “because this government will scream and wee on things until you stop listening to the nasty wiggy men who are bad and naughty and mean.”

Later, ministers staged a brief competition to see who could throw a small pink dinosaur the furthest. The winner was Jack Straw, although informed insiders say that former Prime Minister Tony Blair would have been able to beat Mr Straw’s throw by some considerable margin.

“WaaaaAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA!” the spokesman concluded, “We’re NOT complicit in torture, wah wah, and even if we did break Article 4 of the Convention Against Torture we won’t play! Stop asky nasty questions! DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT NO MORE!!! WAH WAH WAH.”

The judges in the case were not available for comment, but it is believed they find the whole performance utterly fatuous.

The initiative continues.