More news I made up, but which is alas factually accurate.

London, 16th October.

Jonathan Evans, the head of the UK’s Security Service (MI5) and Foreign Secretary David Miliband (seen here complaining) have come together this evening to announce a bold new initiative in the government’s War On English. The move follows a court judgment against the government in the case of Binyam Mohamed, a known taxi-driver who was arrested in 2002 trying to get the hell out of Pakistan before it was nuked leave Pakistan on a false passport. Mohamed reports that he was simply removed from a bus because he didn’t look Pakistani and rendered to Morocco for torture. The British government does not deny that it supplied questions and information to the US to be used in Mohamed’s interrogation while he was being cut on the genitals with razorblades in a location the CIA refused to disclose to MI5.

However, Mr Evans was at pains to point out this morning that this does not constitute ‘collusion’ in torture, and introduced Ralph Weezil, the leader of the government’s new Lexicographical Taskforce, which will take responsibility for dealing with troublesome words like ‘collude’, ‘torture’, and ‘warcrime’ and also with more involved incidents of verbal disloyalty by the English language such as phrases like ‘members of the government could theoretically be liable to criminal prosecution under the Convention Against Torture’.

The precise details of MI5′s involvement are not available to the general public because the government is weeing itself at the prospect of having them revealed it would jeopardise the UK’s intelligence relationship with the US to allow them to be published, according to Mr Miliband, who was spanked by two senior judges and sent home to explain himself to the British electorate extremely disappointed by the result today and plans to appeal.

Mr Weezil said:

“This sort of statement ought to be ashamed of itself. If the language isn’t going to do what the government wants it to – if it’s going to serve the law rather than the political necessity – then I’m afraid it can look forward to serious consequences. The Americans have already had to take steps with the term ‘suicide’ in relation to prisoners in Guantánamo Bay, for example – they now use the term ‘manipulative self-injurious behaviour’ – and of course we’re all familiar with the definition of torture as resulting in permanent maiming or organ loss. I’ve had meetings with several terms of interest – ‘collude’ and ‘justice’ among them – and I’m hopeful we can work this out without having to remove them from the dictionary.”