[Sledgehammers under CC Sharealike 3.0 by Shakespeare]

Public announcement:

I have today secured a gagging order through the good offices of Messrs Weezil, Crouke, and Fylthe, which binds not only the conventional media but also the entire internet not to talk about my recent disgraceful behaviour enlightened commercial project overseas. I am, of course, not affected by this order myself, but in the interest of showing that I am exactly the same as any other vastly powerful person with an army of flesh-eating attack lawyers and copious numbers of friends in high places, I shall voluntarily honour the ban on discussing my use of the entire nation of Toxicwastistan as a dumping ground for my collection of lead-ink-based copies of the Guardian newspaper.

There are several positive aspects to the situation which the mainstream gutter press, deprived of the right to speculate shamefully or inform the public of my completely legitimate recycling programme, has sadly failed to reveal. The first and most important is the discovery that judges are not, in fact, wild and undisciplined. The tradition of British justice being kindly disposed towards the requests of the sufficiently powerful remains strong, and there will be no need for the government to curb the wigged blighters and their sense of independence.

Another happy outcome is the clear demonstration that the power of the judiciary to restrain gossip and lies is undiminished, and that an age-old right of the people to seek and receive information about the deliberations of government injustice in the treatment of the extremely wealthy and important has been redressed.

Sadly, the Internet has been the villain in all this, refusing to acknowledge my perfectly legitimate right to suppress unkind statements about my use of a third world nation as my personal refuse tip, and talking out of school. I will therefore be asking WCF to prepare a legal action against CERN, Amazon.com, Twitter, Facebook, and assorted other so-called ‘websites’ which profit from this lawless institution and its scurrilous falsehoods. These Interhighwebs must not be allowed to mock and laugh at me ignore the law of the land.

In the interest of the venerable institution of free speech, which is so much a part of our culture, I call upon all purveyors of untruth to publish only my accounts of what is happening and devote the rest of their space to discussing Jordan, her norks, and whatever Berlusconi’s been up to recently.