After my outing to CERN, I received a number of alarming comments.
While the majority of my beloved correspondents were delighted that I had gone and made sure everything was ticketyboo, some more uncharitable souls were moved to ask whether I, as the author of a work of fiction which has been described as ‘post-apocalyptic’, should be allowed anywhere near a giant machine which may possibly be capable of making black holes and generating warp tunnels which allow communication from the future.
Actually, a momentary digression here: when this question of time travel comes up, newspapers tend to ask the following question:
TIME TRAVEL! Science fact? Or Science Fiction?!
And what they mean here is not actually ‘is time travel a science fiction-y idea?’ because that answer to that is clearly ‘yes’ or even ‘duh’. What they mean is ‘is this a dumb idea?’ which is actually a far more interesting question, or rather, a question with a far more interesting answer. No, it’s not a silly idea, because it comes from a genuine scientific discussion about distant but possible scenarios. What it actually is, is a reminder that the world in which we live, which we experience as basically Newtonian – apple, head, bonk – is much, much weirder than our everyday senses allow us to realise. And that is something we should take on board as our science and tech increasingly allows us to do crazy things and brings us closer to understanding consciousness, genetics, and the underlying layers of whatever this universe actually is. Because otherwise we are going to be very, very shocked and confused for much of the next hundred years.
(There are no points available for saying “I am artist! I not understandy the numbers!” Dude, you’re an artist. That means you have to show the world, address what it is. You can’t do that if you’re living in the scientific equivalent of a cage and throwing old copies of The Brothers Karamazov at anyone who tries to explain to you what the word ‘quantum’ actually means. The world we live in has quantum computers and CCTV, it has genetic engineering and experimental scramjets. Don’t get all Two Cultures on me: I will kick your solipsisto-highfalutin’ ass…
Bonus geek question: which Grant Morrison story has Superman talking to Batman about how he feels the world is getting weirder, and Batman responding that their world gets more and more like the world they read about in comic books each day? Or am I wrong about it being GM?)
Anyway. CERN comments…
Yes, there we are. The unkind comments fell into two broad categories; those who felt I was allowed all together too much free rein at CERN and should never be permitted near big physics experiments with large red buttons marked “DANGER! DO NOT PUSH!” on them under any circumstances, and those who suggested, in a mean-spirited way, that I had never been there and that the photo I posted was in fact an image of the Zürich Airport Monorail.
Your Intrepid Boy Reporter can tell the difference, I promise you that!
And to prove that every word of my recital was in fact exactly true, and to emphasise that Harkogiston is the greatest discovery in accidental narrativised cosmology since Charles Babbage discovered the [REDACTED IN THE NAME OF NATIONAL SECURITY], I give you:
The Galgenspiess: looks like and is named for a hangman’s gallows, but is actually food:
Incidentally, if anyone knows of anywhere I can buy a frame like this, I’d love to make this at home for everyone at Reprieve, because they really enjoy my sense of humour…