Isle of Cru, Monday 8th June
The Isle of Cru, off the coast of Norfolk, today began a new era as a beachhead for British fascists.
Cru, which was until recently a Labour stronghold, had not one, or even two, but three elections on Thursday last week: the island, which has its own MEP and local council, also had a by-election for the Cru & Lloytwich seat in Parliament. Local MP Crin Alyward was forced to stand down after it was revealed that he had used public money to import drugs and prostitutes from the mainland.
In all three elections, Cru swung radically to the local National Pride Group, whose policies include: extradition to the mainland for anyone not native to the island; the reintroduction of the death penalty for serious offenses including murder, blasphemy, and cow-tipping; and public flogging for infringement of Cru’s fishing waters.
A spokesman for the NPG agreed this morning that some of these new policies might be in conflict with British law, but said the island would force the issue in court.
House Price Collapse
Cru has been badly hit by the collapse of the property market; the local bank, Cru Homes & Farms (Demutualised) had invested heavily in Iceland, and a profitable trade in land sprung up between the two remote islands.
“Eighteen months ago,” Robbert Cork told me, “my pig huts were worth five million pounds on paper. Now they’re barely worth a thousand. I blame Labour.”
Mr Cork is presently under investigation in Iceland for conspiracy-fraud, and has no plans to return there.
Massive Swing To The Right
In the last elections here, Labour got 61% of the vote, the Conservatives 25%, and the Lib Dems 8% and the NPG not securing enough votes to get back their deposit, with the several votes covered in fish and badger grease being considered spoiled. This time around, however, things were different. The three main parties together secured less than 15%, with the NPG taking the rest.
“I just feel it’s time for a change,’ Mildred Boggle, a greengrocer, told reporters this morning. “Labour wasn’t working. I mean, between the scandals and the attempt to erode our liberties and the financial crisis, it’s just time for a change. I know the NPG are a bunch of thugs with no agenda worth spit, but I voted for them anyway because they’ve about as far from normal politics as you can get. Yes, they’re ludicrous and vile, but the huge advantage of that is that no one’s ever elected them before.”
Asked whether she considered any of the other parties, Ms Boggle said she had not. “No, I haven’t, really. I wanted something new and fresh, something not compromised by deals and corruption. I mean, I’d never vote Conservative anyway because they’re all Etonian bankers themselves. I couldn’t vote Green because they want everyone to be a vegetarian. That left a choice between the Liberal Democrats, and the NPG. Well, I mean to say. I couldn’t vote Liberal Democrat, could I? That would just be silly.”
Liberal Democrat candidate Sarah Flinton, originally from Islington, campaigned on a platform of sound ecological management and negotiation with the EU regarding fisheries enforcement. “They threw gurnards at her,” a campaign organiser confirmed, “she’s gone back to Canonbury and she said to tell you all to bugger off.”
A Simple Explanation
“The thing about Cru,” Crin Alyward said from his London office, “is that the people there are angry, unrepresented, and a bit hopeless. They voted for someone who told them what they wanted to hear, which is that none of this is their fault and they should carry on with their lives and it’ll all get sorted out. They can go back to how things were three years ago when everything was cheap. It’s utter bollocks, of course, and they know it, but appealing lies have always been more important than telling the truth. Especially telling the truth when it’s boring or unwelcome. That’s why the Liberal Democrats never do well there. They’re sensible, dull, and truthful. Exactly what you’d want to elect at a time like this, and exactly what no one ever votes for.”