News which, God help me, I did not make up. Oh, dear…

RUMOURS were circulating this morning about a VAST CONSPIRACY to destroy UKIP, the country’s ONLY REAL ANTI-EUROPEAN PARTY, unlike the BNP which is for CRAZY PEOPLE and LIBERTAS which is IRISH!!!

The CONSPIRACY involves ORIGAMI, which we all know is FOREIGN! Yes, the evil JAPANESE PAPERFOLDERS have TAMPERED with out ballot papers. It is part of a LIBERAL DEMOCRAT PLOT to THROW BRITAIN TO THE GERMANS!!!

SERVANTS OF THE LUFTWAFFE and the KRIEGSMARINE which is the GERMAN NAVY have used their EVIL WORLD WAR TWO POWERS to FOLD BALLOT PAPERS IN THE NORTH so that UKIP’s candidates are INVISIBLE!!! The party of FREEDOM is found below a TINY FOLD at the end of the incredibly long ballot paper, most of which is taken up with LUNATICS AND WEIRDOS. Many of these WEIRDOS are part of the conspiracy, which UKIP CAN PROVE was begun in Whitehall which is a SLAVE OF BRUSSELS. 

GORDON BROWN may not know it, but MICHAEL WILLS is in the pay of a DARK CABAL of ZAIBATSU-TEUTONIC BUREAUCRATS who want to force us to measure our roads in KILOMETRES! 

PROOF!!! The treacherous concealing fold is exactly TWO CENTIMETRES deep – NOT INCHES!!!

MORE PROOF!!! The whole thing is designed to take advantage of the NATURAL STUPIDITY of the voting public! Who could possibly know that the electorate is TOO THICK to find the fold in a piece of paper? DOCTORS, that’s who! It’s in our HEALTH RECORDS, which are part of the VAST EUROPEAN SECRET DATABASE, which is in PARIS, next to the plaque marking the death of JACQUES DE MOLAY!!!

Only the RAF can save us from this VILE PLOT!!!

Etc…

Blog Posts From History – 1

London, 1605

Mister Guy Fawkes Urges Mynister Too Stande Downe

In an heated sceene Mister Fawkes, advised the Chiefe of Mynisters that he does nott approove of hys policies and further, proposes that the Mynister shoulde stande downe. Robert Cecille rejoined, that he hadde noe intesion of so doinge, and in thee alternatyve suggestede, that Mister Fawkes shoulde goe and boyle his heade, whereuponne there was muche brouhaha & affraye.

Mister Fawkes averrede, that he woulde see this countrie having noe trucke with the Navarre, wherein he claimes are onlie heretiks & like-mannered filthe, and it is a Christian dutie (so sayeth Mister Fawkes) to blowe them uppe and fyre upon them withe cannon. Robert Cecille replyed that, he woulde rather fyght an hundrede crayven Papistes with one hande behyind his back and his toes being eaten by newts, than he woulde foresayke the Protestante Churche which is Englandes. He further stated that Mister Fawkes was a commone sort of fellowe, and not much coppe, and smellede lyke a troute’s backe passayge. Whereuponne the Nobel Lordes gave vente to greate dispyute, regarding whether, a troute hath indeede such an alimente, or whether it hath none such, and Mister Fawkes becayme irate.

The meates of theyr disagreemente, this payper is reliablie informed, is the questionne of Europe, and further of whether Robert Cecille is the manne for the jobbe. Mister Fawkes is of the negative opinione.

Other bones of contension are, that Mister Fawkes believeth, that the preseynce of Robert Cecille in Parliament maketh more likelie, not less likelie, disaster and ruine, specificallie: that God will tayke a terryble vengeance uponne us for impiety. Soddom, quoth Mister Fawkes, were like London in these tymes. Also Mister Fawkes feeleth in his soule, that Robert Cecille is personallie answerable for that revolushion in Bedfordshire, that recentlie affrights our eyes. Mister Fawkes avverred, that of his acquayntance personal, not one man in three believeth in the stewardship of Robert Cecille. 

To these diuerse charges, Robert Cecille answerede that Mister Fawkes should once againe goe and boyle his heade. Mister Fawkes repliede, that he woulde mayke Robert Cecille sorrie, that he had been soe uncouthe, and that the Great Democratik Processe must now continue, by other meanse.

Nobel Lorde Ayreshire saide, is it tyme yet, for refreshemente? Becose I have beene waitinge longe enough, through all thys non-sense, and you men are talkinge fitte to bore the legges off a cowe. The peeres were mostlie in agreemente, and Mister Fawkes was invyted to departe, what he dide, sayinge that they should heare more from himme.

Nobel Lorde Strawe, what is a close companione of Robert Cecille, threw stones at him departinge, and cried after: you are a sorry varlet, Fawkes! Althoughe it is notable, that iffe Robert Cecille were to steppe downe, it is most like, Nobel Lorde Strawe should replayce him, and he is noe foole, that he shalle not know it.

Parliamente is trulie a playce of edifyinge debayte, and the people are well-served bye their representativvves!

Sporte: Englande lose the Hurley Championshippe to Brasylle, 1-5. Riotes in Hackneigh.

London, 15:08 BST

The man in the Westminster Siege has now been identified as James Gordon Brown, born in Scotland in 1951. Mr Brown, a former journalist, is said to be dealing with feelings of abandonment and anger on discovering that his co-workers have been seeking to remove him from his job in the UK’s public sector.

Mr Brown reportedly shouted to reporters from the window of his home in the Richmond Terrace area of London: “I’m going to make her our bloody ambassador to Iraq! We’ll see how she likes that! She can be a bloody peace envoy with that bastard, Tony! Ahah! AHAHAHAHA!”

Mr Brown, who apparently is the Prime Minister, also announced to the press that he was going to order a cull of squirrels in order to “show that bloody little Nutkin who’s the daddy.”

“Obviously,” said Cheryl Cummerbund, of the Metropolitan Police, “this makes shooting the suspect vastly less likely. We’ll probably just vote for someone else, instead.”