I kept thinking this couldn’t be real. (Via @GreatDismal)

Moose / Elk cow, photo by Daniel Mayer under CNU FDL. Click for details.

It’s time to get back to basics…

The British Nature Party has announced a plan to reforest Yorkshire & Humber and the North West. Early reports misleadingly suggested that the British National Party had won seats in these two regions, and some voters say they were misled by the similarity of the names. The majority, however, are enormously relieved to find that the BNP which will be representing the nation in Europe is not the one whose candidates were recently recorded saying things like “what’s good enough for Hitler is good enough for me”.

Following the lead of Paul Lister, the landowner who has reintroduced the European Elk (known in the US as a Moose) to Scotland, the Nature Party proposes to begin reforestation immediately. Some farmers and parents have expressed reservations about bringing back animals such as boar, lynx, bears, and wolves, and the Ramblers organisation is already in litigation over access rights.

“That’s just daft, we’ve got no problem with people walking wherever they want,” said Gorm Chaffinch of the BNP. “That’s natural. Of course, if they get eaten, well, that’s natural, too.”

“People are a bit irrational about wolves,” agreed Mindy Holbright of the BNP’s ruling triumvirate, “they seem to think it’ll be like a horror movie. That’s nonsense. There hasn’t been an attack on a human by a wolf for hundreds of years. Well, not that anyone’s reported, anyway.” Members of the triumvirate are chosen by combat.

Some local people were angry. “I didn’t vote for some bunch of looney bearhuggers and enviro-woopsies to come and plant trees and unleash wild animals,” said Peter Fort of Humber, “I wanted lots of angry white men to come and shout racist slogans and cause ethnic tension. I wanted all the non-English people who were born here sent back to the countries they don’t come from!”

More debate is likely in December, when the first druid ceremonies are held in York, and virgins (male and female) are sacrificed to the sun-god. By and large, however, locals agree they’d rather have a few people bent backwards over a stone altar than put up with being the most regretted area of the United Kingdom.

“I’m ever so relieved,” said publican Dave Monkrief. “I was really concerned when I woke up this morning that I might have put my cross in the wrong box and caused a cock-up, but now I see it’s all right.”

The first wolves will be released in September, in time for winter.

Isle of Cru, Monday 8th June

The Isle of Cru, off the coast of Norfolk, today began a new era as a beachhead for British fascists.

Cru, which was until recently a Labour stronghold, had not one, or even two, but three elections on Thursday last week: the island, which has its own MEP and local council, also had a by-election for the Cru & Lloytwich seat in Parliament. Local MP Crin Alyward was forced to stand down after it was revealed that he had used public money to import drugs and prostitutes from the mainland.

In all three elections, Cru swung radically to the local National Pride Group, whose policies include: extradition to the mainland for anyone not native to the island; the reintroduction of the death penalty for serious offenses including murder, blasphemy, and cow-tipping; and public flogging for infringement of Cru’s fishing waters.

A spokesman for the NPG agreed this morning that some of these new policies might be in conflict with British law, but said the island would force the issue in court.

House Price Collapse

Cru has been badly hit by the collapse of the property market; the local bank, Cru Homes & Farms (Demutualised) had invested heavily in Iceland, and a profitable trade in land sprung up between the two remote islands.

“Eighteen months ago,” Robbert Cork told me, “my pig huts were worth five million pounds on paper. Now they’re barely worth a thousand. I blame Labour.”

Mr Cork is presently under investigation in Iceland for conspiracy-fraud, and has no plans to return there.

Massive Swing To The Right

In the last elections here, Labour got 61% of the vote, the Conservatives 25%, and the Lib Dems 8% and the NPG not securing enough votes to get back their deposit, with the several votes covered in fish and badger grease being considered spoiled. This time around, however, things were different. The three main parties together secured less than 15%, with the NPG taking the rest. 

“I just feel it’s time for a change,’ Mildred Boggle, a greengrocer, told reporters this morning. “Labour wasn’t working. I mean, between the scandals and the attempt to erode our liberties and the financial crisis, it’s just time for a change. I know the NPG are a bunch of thugs with no agenda worth spit, but I voted for them anyway because they’ve about as far from normal politics as you can get. Yes, they’re ludicrous and vile, but the huge advantage of that is that no one’s ever elected them before.”

Asked whether she considered any of the other parties, Ms Boggle said she had not. “No, I haven’t, really. I wanted something new and fresh, something not compromised by deals and corruption. I mean, I’d never vote Conservative anyway because they’re all Etonian bankers themselves. I couldn’t vote Green because they want everyone to be a vegetarian. That left a choice between the Liberal Democrats, and the NPG. Well, I mean to say. I couldn’t vote Liberal Democrat, could I? That would just be silly.”

Liberal Democrat candidate Sarah Flinton, originally from Islington, campaigned on a platform of sound ecological management and negotiation with the EU regarding fisheries enforcement. “They threw gurnards at her,” a campaign organiser confirmed, “she’s gone back to Canonbury and she said to tell you all to bugger off.”

A Simple Explanation

“The thing about Cru,” Crin Alyward said from his London office, “is that the people there are angry, unrepresented, and a bit hopeless. They voted for someone who told them what they wanted to hear, which is that none of this is their fault and they should carry on with their lives and it’ll all get sorted out. They can go back to how things were three years ago when everything was cheap. It’s utter bollocks, of course, and they know it, but appealing lies have always been more important than telling the truth. Especially telling the truth when it’s boring or unwelcome. That’s why the Liberal Democrats never do well there. They’re sensible, dull, and truthful. Exactly what you’d want to elect at a time like this, and exactly what no one ever votes for.”