London, 15:08 BST

The man in the Westminster Siege has now been identified as James Gordon Brown, born in Scotland in 1951. Mr Brown, a former journalist, is said to be dealing with feelings of abandonment and anger on discovering that his co-workers have been seeking to remove him from his job in the UK’s public sector.

Mr Brown reportedly shouted to reporters from the window of his home in the Richmond Terrace area of London: “I’m going to make her our bloody ambassador to Iraq! We’ll see how she likes that! She can be a bloody peace envoy with that bastard, Tony! Ahah! AHAHAHAHA!”

Mr Brown, who apparently is the Prime Minister, also announced to the press that he was going to order a cull of squirrels in order to “show that bloody little Nutkin who’s the daddy.”

“Obviously,” said Cheryl Cummerbund, of the Metropolitan Police, “this makes shooting the suspect vastly less likely. We’ll probably just vote for someone else, instead.”