News, only some of which I made up, sadly…
London, April 23rd
Gordon Brown’s budget will cause disaster on an unprecedented scale, the leader of the Conservative Party, David Cameron, said today.
Speaking from an undisclosed location, where Shadow Apocalypse Minister George A. Romero has prepared a fallback cabinet office for the Tories, Mr Cameron told Britain to prepare for the worst.
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“This is the worst budget in the long history of Labour financial mismanagement,” Mr Cameron said. “Gordon Brown has spent a decade living fat when he should have been living lean. He has failed to repair the roof while the sun was shining, and now the storms have come and the country as a whole will pay the price for his negligence. Now he is declaring Class War.”
Asked to expand on his now-famous leaky roof metaphor, the man who will almost certainly be Britain’s next Prime Minister warmed to his theme. “There will be Ball Lightning, tornados in Kent, transgendered fish, and gay people will clone themselves with the help of Greeks. Rivers will run red with the blood of the rich as swarms of Socialist bees are unleashed by the monstrous apiarists of the Left! Rains of frogs are, I’m afraid, an absolute certainty. By the end of 2010, I feel relatively sure, we’ll be dealing with a zombie crisis in Parliament itself.”
“The Government Of The Living Dead“
Mr Cameron, who has a newly-discovered interest in colourful language which borders on the insane, described the government as belonging to the ranks of the living dead.
“When the Book of the Great Old Ones is opened, and the appalling chapters of Z’Keugl and Froom are spoken aloud, the markets shall rise like a mighty wave and devour our feet as if we were made of popcorn! Footless and impoverished, we shall wander the blasted landscape, pursued by sentient fungi – hunted for their sport! And Gordon Brown has his finger on the Dread Bookmark of Niallo’th Tep!”
When queried on whether bankers and big investors – many of them Tory donors – might share the blame for this biggest ever boom and bust, Mr Cameron retorted:
“Frankly, that’s an issue you’d have to take up with the Appalling Goat of Nemek and her miserable young. There’s no question that the banks failed us and need smarter, tougher regulation. However, Gordon Brown is solely responsible for this, even if my evil twin last year accepted responsibility for my part in creating this situation. So, just so we’re clear: when your brain is being eaten by your neighbour, blame Labour and their boom-and-bust, Class War ways.”
The economic crisis continues.
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I wish politics wasn’t like this.
I wish it wasn’t always about finding an opportunity to hand the other guy his hat with his ears in it.
I wish the man who said rather humbly that he and his party had failed Britain by not speaking up about the extent of debt and bad investment had really meant it. I wish he would lay out a serious plan for regulating the banks and actually make it stick.
I wish we as an electorate had any kind of institutional memory, and any desire to establish who actually said and did what, rather than just tuning in to Pop Idol and trying hard not to think about it.
I wish we couldn’t be fooled, over and over again, by the idea that yes, you can have something for nothing.
Above all, though, I really, really wish that David Cameron wouldn’t use phrases like “the Goverment of the Living Dead.” There’s something very unsettling about a British, Etonian Conservative who thinks it’s cool to bring George Romero into Parliament.
