You may be a powerful, dangerous person. In fact, yeesh, you are. Of course you are. You’re Rambo in the boardroom and Casanova in the sack. Hell, yeah. You just made a billion out of the market crash, and by March you’re going to be ruler of the Unfree World. But seriously? This is your warm, fuzzy time. You crave the hugs and the mutuality. Support the arts. Buy a cat. You can always have it cooked later.

Alternatives: have someone kill the planet Venus some time after the 15th – or settle down and be nice for a month. How hard can it be? (Loser.)

Aries

This is your month to be open and frank. Yes, I realise, there’s nothing you like better than telling other people what you think of them. Truth is a sacred trust, and things like politeness or tact…. meh. They’re for the weak. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about taking off that armour and standing there…. are you criticising my spelling? Yes, that is how you spell ‘armour’. Just because Microsoft don’t know and the US removed the letter ‘u’ from the word doesn’t make it right. This is my show, mucker, so sit your ass down and pay attention!…

Okay, then. As I was saying. Be vulnerable. Let the inner fluffy out into the world. Yes, I know that’s basically what I told Scorpio. This is the goddam stars, not some bespoke pep-talk. Get a grip… oh. Sorry. Look, no, don’t cry…

Taurus

“BOOHAH! Helllooooo, Nurse! Yes, it’s Taurus, comin’ down the pipe with maaaah MOJO! Yeeeeehah!”

You’re intolerable. Do what you like.

Gemini

Feeling a wee bit tender? Stay clear of crazy hypersensitive people… (don’t look in the mirror). Work well, work with the right people. Make creative decision. Do your chores, do your shirt buttons up, polish your shoes, and maybe one day your prince will come. You’re a goody-goody. How could this month be any different from last month? My God, even your boring friends wish you’d find some variety. Why do you live everything at one remove? Stop dreaming and be it.

Or, you know. Buy some really frilly red pants.

Cancer

Mastery beckons. Yes, my young apprentice… now you shall feel the true power of the Dark Side!

Cancer is the astrological sign of the Sith. Everyone knows that. What, you didn’t? You weren’t at all tipped off when you found out your godfather was Darth Vader? Yeesh. Perceptive much? Now go out there and release your anger. Destroy a planet, betray the galaxy or something. You’re just a step away from true domination…

Look out for: smugglers, Carrie Fisher

Your lucky colour is: ruination and catastrophe

Your favourite food is: despair!

Leo

The world’s been giving you the Silent Treatment. That’s over now. You can go out, drink some coffee, and not have the waiter pour milk down your front. Unless, of course, he or she wants to see what you look like covered in milk. Assume that’s the case, especially if you find them attractive. Many’s a good marriage begun when… no, all right, that kind of thing only happens in movies. However… Get out there. Enjoy. Buy a new ball of string and a squeaky toy and play kitteh hunt mousy all over town.

Or clean the fridge. I mean, honestly, who reads this stuff?

Virgo

Hey! Dozy! Yes, you big mop-head, I’m talking to you! Wake up. WAKE UP! Dream-time is over; you want something, you gotta put that plan into action. Reach out and take it with both of your creamy innocent paws. That guy at the party won’t seduce himself! (Ew.) Your business may be flagging, but now’s the time to come up with a genius new superplan which will change the face of the world and put you on top. And not just come up with it, supercloud – actually do it.

Now. Not in five minutes. Not next week. NOW. Get after it. You snooze, you burn the pie; you cruise, you surely die.

Go now.

Libra

My God, you’ve been a controlling pain in the rear these last few months. Give it up! Put down the knout and share some of the love. Mingle. Relate. Yes… yes… you are getting sleepy… you want to vote… Ob-aaa-maaaa…

Sagittarius

It’s time to put on make-up, it’s time to light the lights! It’s time to get things started on the Muppet Show tonight! Yes, kiddo, it’s time to rock! Rock the world. Put on your finest outfit, go to the gym, practice your smile: you are going to paaaaaart-ay! Are you ready for your close-up?

Try not to get swept away. Just remember: you’re always sexy. It’s just this month people are finding you awesomely foxy.

Capricorn

Not to put too fine a point on it, get out there and kiss ass. It’s your time. Your brown nose will take you to places never seen before, and you will reach new heights of toady. You are strong in the asskissing and the power of its might. It’s impressive. It’s stunning.

If you work in the diplomatic service, this is your time to shine. In boxing, not so much.

Aquaruis

You’re so brave. I want to be your friend! Will you sign this? It’s for my sister. She thinks you’re the coolest! Oooh, thank you. I’ll never forget this moment.

Don’t let it go to your head.

Avoid yoghurt. It has no life-prolonging effects and makes your stomach work harder to digest all that lactic goop. Also, yours has a fly in it.

Pisces

Oh, you’re so creative! It’s so refined! Here, would you like to borrow my pen? What’s the worst that could happen?

Oh, really?

You wrote a poem?

About… mice and little houses made of cocoa?

And you set it to the Brazilian national anthem?

Yeah, sure I’d like to hear it. Uh… oh, damn, no. Sorry. I have to go syringe my eyes.

Your lucky colour: spelling anything like ‘armour’ or ‘colour’ or ‘centre’ in a way which upsets Encarta but delights the OED.

Beware cows. They mean no good.