Alas, it’s not because I’ve been entertaining the staff of the Zoological Society and their more portable exhibits at a Harkawegian Soirée on the subject of preserving the Rain Forests. It is because of the unmentionable wash of sullied water which welled up through some ghastly crevice in my basement floor and covered all my John Lewis rugs in eau de effluent. Said rugs are now sitting in my hallway, which is essentially the corner of the dining room with a door in it, waiting for a collection of saints from the Master Cleaners to come and take them away.

In my mind, I can see the toiling, monkish sorts at the Master Cleaners preparing the flagellants: get ready to mortify yourself, Brother Fishwick, Sister Hogley, there’s a brace of stinky carpets coming your way, and Mr Harkaway says you’ll want your nose amputated.

Seriously. Martyrdom by carpet.

In the meantime, to compound my irritation, David Cameron – who, unless something pretty impressive happens for Labour in the interim will take the big chair after the next general election – apparently believes that getting into a full-on conflict with Russia is a valid option. He told the Today programme that Georgia should be brought into NATO, and that yes, if Russia attacked again, NATO should go to war with Russia to make good on the guarantee of security.

Dave’s premiership is not a prospect which should fill anyone with joy. At best, he’s trying to start a groundswell of international opinion that he’s nuts enough to push the button. He’s never going to out-stare Russia, though. He went to Eton. It’s just not going to happen.

I don’t mean that, incidentally, as a swipe at Russia – or even Eton. There’s a misperception in the UK that Russia is kind of like Europe, but a bit colder and greyer and filled with salted fish and vodka. It’s true about the last two, but the idea that Russia is anything other than its own kind of country is dangerous and wrong. The logic of Russia, the basic understanding of how to do the business of living, comes from different perspectives. I could speculate about why, but to answer the question properly you’d need a couple of top-flight sociologists, some really good historians, and about twenty million well-conducted interviews.

The point is, there’s just no way David is ever going to be as tough as Vladimir Putin. Not going to happen. Put it out of your mind. Putin, apart from anything else, came up through a political system where people do still get murdered to facilitate promotion and the business of ruling.

Can you imagine a Britain where David Cameron had to worry about getting murdered by Liam Fox? No. Which is why Dave is not going to win an eyeball-to-eyeball with Putin or Medvedev any time soon.