Lolita quite self-evidently would benefit from ninjas. It would be so much less self-pitying and irksome if the whole thing was in some way a plot to take over the world by, for example, bringing about the collapse of the moral underpinnings of western society through the agency of trained ninjas disguised as teenaged girls. And frankly, doesn’t that seem to have more realism to it? Also, the moment when Humbert finally uncovered the truth would be zinging. As would his subsequent dilemma: does he still love the girl, now that he knows she is a forty three year old man named Takeshi? And should he, in spite of his love, now train in Crane style and Monkey’s Fist in order to defeat the conspirators?

I’m telling you, baby, drama is conflict.

Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath is a tremendous book, don’t get me wrong. I realise that its staggering desolation, its dry-mouthed, dustbowl hopelessness is a statement of truth about the mid-American condition at the time, and a study in darkness and friendship which is almost without parallel. However… perhaps a sequel in which ninjas threaten to destroy what little civilisation is left, and in joining together to battle them, the plucky townsfolk rediscover their heart?

Kim has ninjas in it already.

Actually, turning to the Reader’s List for a second, Watership Down absolutely needs ninjas. Imagine if those bunnies had been able to call on the power of the Drunken Master style… Thumper, Shuriken, Flail, and Hazel could have saved the day.

But honestly, my desire for ninjas in fiction comes from the books I had to read for GCSE and A-level at school. I know, objectively, that they were great books. I just can’t get my head round it because I spent years picking them apart and learning lines from them and (consequently) hating every page of them. So… Great Expectations… just as Pip and Estella reach the final depressing circuit of their self-destructive dance of love and confusion… wait a sec…

INTERMISSION

Here’s a question: why do teachers set books for kids which are about kids discovering that the world sucks and life is harsh and cold? Why do they imagine that reading about fumbling sexual mishaps and appalling parental strife is in any way interesting or enjoyable for their students? Wouldn’t it be better to allow a little fun into the classroom?

This has been a public service broadcast by the Bewildered Society. Thanks for listening.

ANYWAY

Just as Pip and Estella reach the final… wait a sec…

INTERMISSION II

All right, boys and girls, what’s wrong with this picture? He knows she’s been raised to be a destroyer of men. She knows it too. Like Romeo and Juliet, they persist in following the obvious and appalling path to their own doom. Answer me this: what would have happened if Romeo had gone to the Duke and said “I want to marry Juliet”?

The lesson here, friends, is twofold: try not to be a doofus, and try to date people who are not self-destructive maniacs. Really. Life’s more fun that way.

This has been a public service announcement by the Bewildered Society. Be good to each other.

ANYWAY

Ninjas. Ninjas leap out and beat some sense into Pip, make him talk to Magwitch like a human being, and forcibly de-traumatise Estella using their mad psychological skills. You are perhaps surprised to learn that ninjas have mad psychological skills, but if you think it over you will realise that they’re heavily into programming and deprogramming, pain control, and manipulation and disguise. They know a thing or two.

You can see how this goes…

By the way, if you don’t speak Finnish (dude, shame on you) Google will translate Tuomas’s post for you here.