Keep yer damn head still, Harkaway!

I know that one. I just forgot. Anything else?

Your plastic surgeon is a liar and a cheat.

I don’t have a plastic surgeon…

That’ll be it, then.

Oi! Come on, what else?

You swallow your words. And you drawl. It’s horrible. I’ve known parrots with clearer diction.

I’ll work on that.

Beg pardon? Couldn’t hear you there.

Oh, ha ha.

You’re getting old. Your face has dropped. Or possibly you’re just a touch on the fat side right now. Oh, and you’ve got a really teensie mouth. How weird is that?

My mouth is a perfectly normal size.

Sure. For someone with a Size Zero head, maybe.

I could measure it and prove to you…

Buddy, I ain’t interested. I’m seeing it right here on the screen. You’ve got a small mouth and big cheeks.

… So I you’re saying I need to go to the face gym? Do press-ups on my nose? And, what, stretch my mouth? You want me to wander around like that kid in Home Alone?

Hey, whatever works, Hamsterboy.

… Okay, fine. Anything more constructive?

Pick an eyeline and stay with it. You look as if you can’t decide whether to talk to someone off camera or to the audience. (Well, actually, you look a bit simple.)

Again with the “thank you”.

And again you’re welcome.